Augusta Stuart

I didn't realize until earlier today, in a brief moment of sobriety, how much things have changed in the last two months. It has been a progressive, slow decline of any and all social connections I once had, to the point where I am not entirely sure what, if anything, I have left. Now, this is hardly a pity party, I am sure there must have been things I have done to lead to this, but it is extremely hard to pinpoint how and where the avalanche began. It certainly was not intentional, not on my part anyway. I don't purposely push people away, but if they choose to go, I won't beg for them to come back. I still have some semblance of pride.

For a few weeks, I was busying myself with nights at random bars, drinking until I was in an inappropriate state, leaving hefty tips for bartenders kind enough to call me a cab home. It got to the point where I stopped driving just to avoid the hassle of having to pick up my car the next day in the midst of a raging hangover. Now, my drinking happens solely at home, it eliminates the trouble of tipping, being mildly pleasant and conversational, and trying to find a way back at the end of the night.

If nothing else, I always have my work. While the show has ended for the season, I can write regardless, about the show, about anything really. I've gotten a few project offers, but responded to none. I'm in a perpetual state of limbo, but purgatory sounds so much more tragic so I like to think of it as that. I've never been a starving artist, feeding off nothing but creativity, but I like to think my current emotional state lends itself to that general feeling. And as one rather wise song-writer once said, in the end "The Cheese stands alone."

Christ, that was shit. Excuse my inability to close this babbling coherently.

Sometimes there just isn't enough alcohol.

In the last few weeks, I have been kind of caught up in some personal things. I've always been able to manage work and whatever else came my way without issue, so this time it was no different. But I know that my mind wasn't completely invested in work for a few days. I am able to focus more now, which is a requirement given we are fleshing out some details for the cliffhanger season finale. After doing relatively well during awards season, the viewers are tuning in and we don't want them to be disappointed. We also want them to come back next season and create buzz during the break.

Socially, I haven't been as involved as I was before. I'm sure I owe Jeff, but now he is busy with his family in town so I will just hang out and see what happens with that. He's mentioned that he wants me to meet them, but I will wait for him to bring that up again. I'm not much of a family person, he understands that now, so I will have to make a concerted effort to put my best foot forward if I do meet them. I haven't really spoken to Calli much at all, but now that things are moving forward pretty quickly with her own personal life, I know my place is to step back and away. I am thankful that Kit is in town, both to work and be able to touch base with an old friend once in a while. I definitely have to take her out for a drink sometime soon.

Had to pick up and take an impromptu trip. Not sure when I'll be back exactly, some time this week. Till then, working on the road. Text if you need something.

In the past few weeks, I have been focusing really intently on writing for the show. This is my career, after all, and I take it very seriously. We've got some great plotlines established, and I promised some action and adventure, and the requisite drama, so I plan to deliver. Stay tuned for juicy details people, you don't be disappointed. Also, we might just be getting a new writer on board, an old friend of mine. She is amazing, and will definitely bring some great writing to the show.

[Private]
I made the mistake of tellin thg Jeff about Lizzie. He's been incredibly thoughtful and supportive about the entire situation, but I didn't even talk about it with Adrian, why I am telling him? It's over and done with now, I can't take it back, so I will just try to go back to forgetting I mentioned it to him. The pressure has been building a while now, since Adrian left and then the miscarriage. It seems like everything just dropped down on me when Levi threw his little shit fit and 'dismissed' me and then Calli had to go and dye her hair and looking fucking exactly like Lizzie.

Needless to say, I don't really talk to either of them anymore. Levi doesn't really exist in my world anymore, which is what he wanted. Except for when Calli mentions him, and now that she is with that jackass Steve, I don't hear from her much at all. I figured this would happen sooner or later, I'm not her age, I'm not like her other friends. Besides, she makes friends so easily that I don't think she'll notice if I just fade into the background.

Tomorrow is her sixteenth birthday. Maybe she won't hang up on me when I call this time.
[/End Private]

Top five reasons I am in love with Jack Daniels:

5. There's something intriguing about two first names.
4. He's tall, dark and handsome.
3. He is always there for me.
2. He makes me feel good.

And the number one reason...

1. He doesn't talk back.

I've never been the one to have many friends. In high school, I was more likely to be caught smoking under the bleachers with half the football team than at a pep squad meeting. I drifted through social circles, making nice when it benefitted me, looking past others when necessary. I suppose not much has changed. I have a growing list of acquaintances, few enemies, even fewer friends. It's never bothered me before, I suppose I wouldn't say I am bothered by it now per se. Just... more aware of how small my social circle is. It is what it is.

Having friends is a lot of work. At least, having a friendship that is worthy of that title. I find myself exhausted and frustrated at times, but I suppose I have been the source of exhaustion and frustration from time to time as well. I do enjoy having friends, I suppose I've just gotten accustomed to how easily they come and go and therefore make a concentrated effort not to get too attached.

I suppose I have that outlook on everything, really. I can't think of a reason to change it.

I got the flowers. It was very sweet and extremely surprising. Thank you.

We should get together again sometime soon. My friend mentioned a party, don't know if you're up for that.

It's 2012. And after the way 2011 ended, I am not sad to see it go. I made attempts to make things right, I've been ignored. I gave it time, nothing changed. I had my obligatory moping time, I am moving on. I lived, I learned. There's nothing left to do about all of... that. I am glad that hiatus has almost come to an end, I am anxious to get back to work and fill my days with something constructive. If nothing else, I've been able to successfully maintain professionalism.

I've managed to keep my parents at bay for this long after finally confessing everything. My mother calls on a daily basis now to 'check up'. I put up with it and hope it ends soon, I'm an adult, I can take care of myself. At least my father seems to understand, when we speak he doesn't ask, I don't bring it up and we are both perfectly happy with things that way. Over the holidays, I visited with Calli a few times and even managed to get to a Christmas Party and a New Years party. I met someone at the latter, but I don't expect much to come from it other than the nice conversation.

Hopefully this new year will bring better things. Or at the very least, it can't be any worse.

Trying desperately to stay warm alone in my bed with a bottle of some wine and... Lifetime Christmas movies. What have I become? My own worst enemy, that's what.

A holiday weekend tends to be long, especially when there is a break from work. However, this feels as though it has been the longest weekend of my life. Thursday was a lovely Thanksgiving spent with Calli and Levi, even if it did feel a bit off at times. Still, it was filled with good food and interesting conversation and that isn't something that comes easily around here. Friday, I think Calli and I purchased everything possibly for sale and I know for a fact that I have never drank that much caffeine in one day. We were able to score some good buys many of which I may be returning soon.

After that, things have shifted between being going in slow motion or being pushed to fast forward, which is very disorienting. Adrian and I discussed returning to Los Angeles, and at some point it was decided that he would go and I would stay here. I thought that I was fine with it, I really did. But then things began to move too quickly and he was packing and it just put me in a horrible mood. By the time I took him to the airport this afternoon, things had reached a head. We fought and I sent him on his way with my wedding ring and a trial separation.

I shouldn't have been so impulsive, but what is done is done. I won't stay in the apartment alone tonight, I am not ready to face that yet, and I am grateful for going back to work in the morning. I will be at whatever bar stays open the latest around here. And if I get kicked out after last call, there is always a hotel room with a well-stocked minibar.

Happy Holidays.

Considering I don't cook, I need a good recommendation for somewhere to go for Thanksgiving. That is assuming we don't go to visit family, or go back to California. I suppose it is kind of late in the game to start making plans like this, but such is life.

I'm trying to convince my darling husband to host a Halloween Party. The question is, would anyone attend?

( Some people like to talk, But I'm into doin' what I feel like doin' when I'm inspired )

GIFSoup

"Two hours of writing fiction leaves the writer completely drained. For those two hours he has been in a different place with totally different people." - Roald Dahl

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